Incident Report: #20190000003
Time: 20190922 – 1034 (PCT)
Location: 15401 NE 52nd St, Redmond, WA (47°39’16″N 122°07’58″W · 296 ft)
Situation: Our Emergency Response & Rescue Observations Resource Squadron (ERRORS) was dispatched to the City of Redmond in a neighborhood near Microsoft Building 88, with report of a serious pothole and asphalt cracking in the middle of NE 52nd Street.
Observations: Death Pothole located at centerline of roadway with “Alligator craking” characteristics that manifest from eye of the pothole.
Assessment: ⚠️Xtreme Danger Zone (CODE BUTTHOLE)⚠️ – The pothole and related cracking is relatively common in these parts of the Puget Sound and is known as “Eye of the Butthole” damage. The name is derived from the visual appearance of the damaged roadway which resembles a “butthole”. Eye of the buttholes are typically a result of sub grade deterioration and subsidence, which may be related to improper construction techniques, defective pavement materials, groundwater, utility blowout, active faults, and even something much more dangerous – like giant underground death worms. Though relatively rare, giant underground death worms do exist and are super dangerous as experienced first hand by Remo Williams, Kevin Bacon, Reba McEntire, and the Dad from Family Ties.
Action: ERRORS quickly and efficiently cordoned off the Eye of the Butthole with high visibility cones to reduce the likelihood of severe injury or death. We then brought in a cubic yard of “space gravel” which has the density properties similar to the center of a black hole. Unfortunately we ran out of high visibility caution tape, but we made up for it in shear cone presence and implementing the safest cone formation ever known to man – THE HEPTACONE FORMATION! – You couldn’t get Evil Knievel driving a BelAZ 75710 while F’d up on Speed Balls, with a payload arsenal of SKUD missiles through this MotherFucker!
ERRORS also provided the entire neighborhood and all Microsoft employees a safety & monitoring protocol pamphlet, and then went to the Westminster Chapel on NE 24th to pray for the safety and heightened consciousness levels for all humanity. All Gangs of the world accepted!
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
RussianGoat 